President Barack Obama of the USA is expected to be in Kenya on July 24 during the Global Entrepreneurship Summit (GES) in Nairobi, which aims at empowering marginalised groups or minorities, especially youth and women, through entrepreneurship. Although Obama’s visit will be his fourth to Africa since becoming the US president, he has not been to Kenya, his father’s birthplace, since he came to office in 2009 – apart from his 2006 personal visits to Kogelo, to see his Kenyan relatives. As the first ever sitting US President to visit Kenya, President Obama`s visit is not only historic; the trip will strengthen Kenya`s diplomatic relations with the United States. But that is not all; definitely, his present visit to Kenya will be very interesting and challenging. It will offer opportunities, but could create near insurmountable problems for the USA president as well. He needs all his crafty diplomatic skills and indeed lucks during this Kenya trip.
Apart from the security challenges posed by the Somali-led and Al-Qaeda-affiliated Al Shabaab rebels who have sworn by all the gods and goddesses (since when do Al Shabaab militants have respect for the females?) of their villages to turn Kenya into a human abattoir, President Abama will be hosted by President Uhuru Kenyatta, who until recently was not in the good book of the USA President. President Uhuru Kenyatta was named by the International Criminal Court (ICC), as a suspect of crimes against humanity. He was accused of allegedly inciting ethnic violence after the infamous 2007 election, which claimed more than 1,200 lives and left 600,000 homeless. Now the ICC prosecutors had effectively withdrawn the charges against President Kenyatta, President Obama now has both the diplomatic and moral ground to engage Kenyatta diplomatically. Obama`s decision might not go well with the wishes of the former Prime Minister of Kenya, Mr Raila Amolo Odinga, a Luo relative to President Obama, who contested against and lost to President Kenyatta. According to one of our moles in Kenya, Mr Odinga has been grudging that President Obama did not declare President Kenya persona non grata. By engaging someone who “stole“ votes from him and denied him his life presidential ambition, according to Odinga, President Obama has not displayed family loyalty and commitment. Don`t therefore expect President Obama`s relative, Mr Raila Amolo Odinga to wine and dine with him during his Kenya trip.
Even though other Luo tribal group members might be enthusiastic about Obama`s visit, one might wonder whether the Kikuyus (largest tribe in Kenya) who supported Hilary Clinton during her Presidential election against President Obama, really are. What of the Kenya government, which has spent more than 16,000 dollars to upgrade and renovate the graves of Obama`s father and the grandfather in Kogelo? Furthermore, Kenyatta`s government has not only built a hotel near President Obama`s granny, Sara Obama`s home, to accommodate expected locust of visitors during President Obama`s trip, it equally paved the road from the city of Kisumu 43 miles away to her gate, and brought electricity to the village, all done in the hope that President Obama would visit his family relatives in Kogelo. The preparation for what Eric Omondi, a popular comedian calls Obama “Home coming,“ does not limit to the local government, which is busy with tree planting, street and drainage cleaning. Wow! Could you have imagined an African government to be so fast with the provision of social amenities to the people? Call it the Obama Magic, if you want!! I am pretty sure, if President Obama would visit Africa more often, African countries would be magically transformed much better than the Holywood! Sadly the USA government has made it clear that President Obama would not be heading to Kogelo during his Kenya visit. Not even the motherly cries of grandmother Sara Obama can change her grandson`s mind. According to the impeccable source close to Kata Kata, Granny Obama, who had wanted to prepare mountainous Ugali with Kachumbari for his grandson has been flabbergasted and devastated by President Obama`s decision not to visit her during the Kenya visit. Asked why President Obama has decided to avoid visiting Kogelo during the trip, Robert Godec, the U.S. Ambassador to Kenya stammered and said that it was not unconnected with his tight schedule.
“Unfortunately, President Obama will not be able to visit Kogelo. He has very limited time in Kenya and that will make it difficult to make the trip,“ Robert Godec said.
Tight schedule? Tell that to Malik Abon`go Obama, President Barack Obama`s 57 year old half brother who promised their dead father to bring his sibling, the “prodigal“son, Barack Obama home to their Kogelo village in western Kenya. Even though Malik is disappointed his half brother has not invited him to the White House, he was hoping to take President Obama into the bush in search of chang’aa ( loosely translated as “kill me quick“), an intoxicating alcohol and Khat stimulant leaves. When our reporter intimated Malik Abon`go Obama that Michelle Obama had seriously prohibited his husband, President Obama from tasting khat, Malik was enraged.
“No wonder why he is avoiding coming to Kogelo. Not even his wife has come here. Me, I wonder what type of man my brother is. I now ask myself who the boss is at his home ““ he or the wife?“ Malik Obama questioned furiously. He adds sadly: “I really don’t know my nieces, Malia and Sasha, and they don’t know my children either.”
But others think Obama`s refusal to go to his ancestral home of Kogela might not be unconnected with the rumor that the family has not only assured potential suitors (others alleged that some of Obama`s family members had actually collected money from these suitors to facilitate the marriage) that Obama`s two kids (Malia and Sasha Obama) have actually given their marriage consent to their requests. Kata Kata authoritatively gathered that one potential suitor had sold the family land to have enough financial backup to pay the dowry.
“You spend money to get money. Usifanye hivyo! You don know that Obama name alone is worth millions“ The suitor narrated economically to our reporter.
Perhaps, our dear suitor may as well ask schools and other institutions / enterprises in Kogela and Kenya in general, named after Obama in the hope of quick magnet of much needed dollars from tourists and various governments. The business minded suitor might as well be disappointed to learn that most of these enterprises are busy re-baptizing and erasing the Obama magic nomenclature of their organization.
Not only the potential suitors for Obama`s daughters might denounce the USA President`s visit as a failure. What of those waiting for Obama manna? What has Obama done for his “people?“ some might ask. How can President Obama fulfil their expectations? Unfortunately, President Obama is not a typical African politician that would promise Kenyans free education, clean water, electricity or even free wives or legalise polygamy (as if Kenyans are novice in the polygamy law and businesses!) as the case may be. Expect President Obama to preach good governance, the Rule of Law and the other democratic ingredients.
Little doubt, Obama has been one of the biggest supporters of gay rights; while homosexuality is a toxic topic in Africa. How can Obama satisfy both his African hosts and equally maintain his views on gay rights? In a sign of confrontation and perhaps a test of President Obama`s will and support for the gay rights, a landlord in Kabete, Nairobi had evicted his two male tenants on the allegation of their gay sexual orientation. But the landlord did not stop there; he had a message for his ex-tenants: “go wait for your Obama.” Will President Barack Obama, the champion of the gay rights show boldness and discuss homosexuality during his Kenya visit? My guess is no ““ even if the two evicted tenants would send President Obama an SOS request via granny Sara Obama. The much Obama could do is to urge Kenyans to respect the rights of the individual ““ heterosexuals or homosexuals alike.
Wouldn`t that play in the hands of President Robert Mugabe of Zimbabwe, who had recently proposed to marry Obama? Despite sanctioning his security boys for allowing him to touch the ground during his recent humiliating fall, Robert Mugabe surprised both foes and friends by insisting he would “travel to the White House, get down on one knee and ask his hand.’ Lucky Obama! Although Mugabe is well known for his acidic verbal attacks on gays, his recent proposal has left many wondering whether he was really mocking the US legalisation of gay marriage or actually falling in love with the handsome Obama ““ after all, President Mugabe is a man of surprises. My dear, don`t even go there!!!
“Obama advocates gay people and enjoys an attractive countenance.” Mugabe says.
But President Obama did not take it lightly, having in mind that Mugabe`s choice and taste for youthful blood cannot be underestimated. Some even accuse the 91 year old President of using interaction with young blood to keep his youthful look intact. What do you think of beautiful the 49 year old Grace Mugabe?
“Wow!! Is he really interested in me or just using this narcissistic charm to simply come closer to Michelle?“ Wonders Obama.
But President Mugabe fires back:
‘I can’t understand how this people dare to defy Christ’s explicit orders as our Lord prohibited mankind from sodomy’, going on to accuse the U.S. government of being run by ‘perverted Satan-worshipers who insult the great American nation.’
Unfortunately, Mugabe refused to comment on Kata Kata reporter`s question asking him how often he goes to the church. Nor did he respond when asked whether our Lord also prohibits killing of any kind ““ for political or non political reasons.
We learnt authoritatively that President Obama, being soft on gay rights and a respecter of age has decided not to subject his new suitor Mugabe (although it was still not clear at the time of the press who would take the feminine / masculine role between Mugabe/ Obama after the holy marriage) to the rigors of travelling thousands of kilometers to the USA to propose to him. Rather, President Obama`s African trip, we were told, would provide Mugabe the opportunity to seal his latest matrimonial wish. Or bash President Obama on his stand on gay marriage.
Depite crying controllably at the White House during his recent visit to the USA, begging President Obama to visit Nigeria, President Muhammadu Buhari of Nigeria could not get his wishes. From Kenya, President Obama will be heading to the neighbouring Ethiopia, the seat of the African Union. It is not yet clear whether President Obama will be going to Ethiopia with his new groom, Mugabe. What happens when President Obama visits Addis Abbaba? Being the President of the most important democratic country in the world, would Obama discuss human rights issues in Ethiopia, a country known to be allergic to critics and freedom of the press? Your guess is mine!
Definitely, Obama`s recent visit to Africa will be a trip of opportunities, challenges and surprises. He will be sitting on a keg of gunpowder, which requires enormous diplomatic skill and maneuvering to avoid unwanted explosion which could kill both friends and enemies. Perhaps you now understand better why President Obama might not be too keen to visit Africa, his ancestral home after all.
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The above story is a parody. It is entirely fictitious; therefore none of the characters mentioned in the story are real.