Chibok Gate: President Jonathan’s Political Resurrection

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Have you ever heard of the expression a blessing in disguise? Are you amongst the doubting Thomases who wanted to crucify Kata kata for predicting that the Chibok Gate could be President Jonathan`s political ascension from a near political oblivion?  Yes, political ascension ““ or resurrection ““ if you are too Unreligious to know what “Ascension Day“ is.

Eeee! You still look at me doubtfully? Ok, read our exclusive interview with President Jonathan. However, before you read the interview below, juggle your mind back and ask yourself two questions. I know you would ask me which questions, so before I hear that, here are they: (1) What is the full meaning of President Jonathan`s names (“Goodluck“ and “Ebele“)? (2) How did President Jonathan`s political journey start and land him to the apex of power? While you are busy cracking your brain, trying to find the answers,  please read below, Kata kata`s interview with President Jonathan to understand that the Chibok Gate ““ and to that extent, Boko Haram menace ““ could be the best therapy for President Jonathan`s political survival. There is nothing sadistic about this.

AGAMA: Thank you, Your Excellency, for giving us this rare opportunity to interview you amidst obvious Boko Haram cum Chibok Girls abduction distractions.

PRESIDENT: You are most welcome

AGAMA: Please accept our sympathies on the Boko Haram killings, especially the recent abduction of the innocent Chibok girls.

PRISIDENT: Thank you so much for your concern. I am not sure however, you are at a funeral ceremony. Don`t forget that those girls are still alive.

PICCOLO: Wow, hold it dude. You kind of told the whole world that you gotta no damn idea where the kidnapped girls are and“¦

PRESIDENT: May I remind you that we are dealing with an intelligence and sensitive issue, which does not allow us to say as much as I would have loved to? Moreover, our intelligence gathering changes every day.

PICCOLO: Yea, I gotta bloody problems knowing who or what to believe now“¦

USENI: Haba! Dat one is politician; even if he look like gentleman. You see any politician who tell you that 1 plus 1 is two?

PRESIDENT: Ha-ha. Well, you must have talked to all the politicians in the world to make such a speculative conclusion.

AGAMA: Some people have said that Boko Haram is more of a political weapon against you and your administration than a religious group“¦..

PRISIDENT: I wish you could say that loud enough for the rest of the world to hear“¦

PICCOLO: Yea, just like many concerned dudes woke the world up from their slumber with the Chibok Girls’ abduction protests?

PRESIDENT: Well, we are grateful for creating the awareness and sensitized the world of the problems at hand. To answer Mr. Agama`s question,   all I can tell you is that after we won the last elections, some who lost the elections   – or if you like, some people who think that the executive power in Nigeria is their birthright –  vowed to make the country ungovernable for me ““ and for that matter, for the rest of the country.

NZA: Eee! But we are taught in school that democracy includes politics without bitterness. If they failed to win, they must campaign harder and convince the people to vote for them next time“¦

PRESIDENT:   You cannot say it better.

AGAMA: Your Excellence, there was this accusation in the media that your wife, Her Excellency, Dame Jonathan ordered the arrest of one of the first organizers of “Bring Back Our Girls“ demonstration, claiming the organizers wanted to discredit you, her husband. What do you have to say“¦.

PRESIDENT: I wonder where you got that information“¦

AGAMA: Are you saying, Your Excellency, that you didn`t read that in“¦

PRESIDENT: If I start reacting to all I read in the newspaper, then I might have little time to concentrate on my work. Some newspapers write rubbish to sell their papers. By the way, I hope you would not add any salt to this interview, just to sell your paper. Ha-ha.

USENI: Mzee Oga President, we don cook at home. Our wive do dat one, so how you think we add salt to ..   “Interview?“ But Haba, President, can you eat interview? You don know grammar again?

PICCOLO: Yea, Useni is our bloody grammar professor!

PRESIDENT: Ha-ha. Let`s assume that“¦

AGAMA: President Museveni of Uganda, who was in the UK of recent was asked whether the Boko Haram group should be given an amnesty, his answer was an equivocal “No.“ Do you support negotiating with Boko Haram?

PRESIDENT: ““ Well, it is difficult for me to negotiate with a group that wants to annihilate anything Western. I am talking about people who have slaughtered innocent citizens for no just reason. If you have grievances, you should table them in a civilized manner ““ and that does not include killing innocent people

USENI: But, Oga, If you negotiate with your broders, why you don wan do de same?

PRISIDENT: Which of my brothers? Who do you mean?

PICCOLO: I guess he meant those damn Niger Delta boys“¦.

USENI: Ahaa!!

PICCOLO:  Some even alleged that the government still pays them monthly up till today from the bloody tax payers` money.

PRESIDENT: I don`t know where you got the information or facts about the monthly payment to the Niger Delta Militant groups. However, if you are talking about amnesty, yes, we granted them amnesty and I think it is a very good decision“¦

AGAMA: So if granting amnesty to the Boko Haram group would bring peace to the country, is it worthless, a try?

PRESIDENT: If there is anything I love, it is peace, tranquilities and economic growth of Nigeria. As the president of this great country, it is my duty to take actions that would benefit the country and bring much needed peace. If Boko Haram as a group is ready for peace, we will not shut the door. However, I think we need to clearly differentiate the ideologies and goals of the two groups ““ Boko Haram and Niger Delta groups. While Niger Delta groups were fighting against marginalization, ecological hazards in their regions and unequal oil exploitation and share of the country`s oil, which is coming basically from their region, what is Boko Haram fighting for? Against Western education?

PICCOLO: Yea! wearing western clothes and carrying western made guns; fighting against western education.

PRESIDENT: There can never be a better irony

PICCOLO: But the Boko Haram dudes complained of marginalization in the north too“¦

PRESIDENT: Did they? Or did some northern elders justify the Boko Haram atrocities and attributes them to the so called marginalization?

PICCOLO: Wow! Hold on, Mr. President. Why   the damn “So called?“ That doesn`t sound cool or presidential, you know“¦

PRESIDENT: (irritated) Yes, I can imagine. Just like your “Wow“ and “Hold on“stuff“¦..

PICCOLO: That`s cool. Got it. Wanna throw more light on the damn alleged marginalization of the north? Recently, some Western media have started singing to that marginalization of the North music, whenever they write about Boko Haram, you know..

PRESIDENT: When people talk about the marginalization of the Northern part of Nigeria and blame my administration, I smell a great deal of insincerity. Think back, since Nigeria got its independence in the year 1960, we have had only 2 non-northern Executive presidents.

USENI: Which one is non ““ nortaner again?

PRESIDENT: I mean, since 1960, all our former Executive presidents are from the northern part of Nigeria except two presidents“¦.

USENI: Only two? So why all de former president from north no develop their north place? Dey wan God come down from heaven en do dat for dem?

PRESIDENT: Thank you Mr. Useni and I“¦..

USENI: Wait Oga President! Whot you call me now? “Mister?” Abi? Dat “mister“title fit me like my Christmas clothes.

PRESIDENT: Ha- ha! I can imagine. So, like you rightly said, it is very unfortunate that some dishonest individuals are busy trying to create problems through lies, intimidation, violence and what have you. This country belongs to all of us; I am the president of this country. It is my duty to defend his country against malicious elements. I have not used more than 60 % of the power assigned to me by the constitution.

Talking about the development of the north, may you help me ask the northern governors how much they receive yearly from the federal government financial allocation?   What have they done with the money? For those who cry over the so called marginalization of the north, I want you to ask yourself how many of the Presidents before me are from the North.

AGAMA: The northern elders have said that the Federal Government, I quote:  ”should pay billions as ransom to Shekau and release all detained Boko Haram members” and that there must be ”no foreign forces in Nigeria“¦“

PRESIDENT: Do you mean the same northern elders, who had ““ before the arrival of help from our overseas friends –   accused the federal government of not doing enough to tackle the Boko Haram insurgency? Now that we are fighting hard to overcome the threats from the terrorists, the same northern elders are now against “foreign forces in Nigeria. Does this make one doubt their sincerity and commitment to eradicate the Boko Haram mess? A statement like this is not only discouraging, unfortunate and misleading, it can equally make our foreign friends wonder who is indeed behind the Boko Haram attacks.

USENI: But me, I wonder whether my ear have tumour inside

PRISIDENT: Well, I am not sure I understand what you meant to say“¦

USENI: I hear too dat de same north elders from your country say dey don wan you or America use force to free those girl Boko Haram capture. I hear dat well ““ well or my ear sick with malaria?

PRESIDENT: (laughs) Well“¦..

USENI: So dey wan you to prepare fufu, Isi Ewu, Kachumbari, matooke, Nshima, sadzda, Ndole plus palm wine for book Haram en beg dem to release de girls? Dat one is not madness?

PRESIDENT: (laughs) Probably“¦

PICCOLO: Men, those dudes could say that, most likely because their own kids aren’t in bloody Nigeria or among the abducted girls. Yea, their children are kinda studying abroad.

PRESIDENT: Well, I am not sure I need to add more to what you have just said.

AGAMA: But both former president Buhari and vice president Atiku were quoted recently as encouraging all Nigerians to join hands and fight Boko Haram“¦

PRESIDENT: Was that appeal before or after the foreign friends volunteered to help us? I had expected those appeals long ago from them. I expected them equally to join hands with us and fight terrorism. Regardless, we welcome every genuine contribution aimed at defeating Boko Haram. Don`t forget that this Boko Haram terrorism is not only a Nigerian problem; it is a global problem that requires a global response.

AGAMA: Some people have described you as one of the luckiest presidents in the world“¦


AGAMA: You definitely are, Mr President. Look at the Genesis of your political journey and where you are now. What is the secret?

PRESIDENT: I am not the architect of my luck or destiny. However, as a child, our parents taught us to be humble, honest and dedicated. These qualities have helped me in my life

AGAMA: Talking about “luck“ and “mercy“ the two meanings of your names (Goodluck and Ebele), apart from “Mandela,“ your names are the most sought amongst African families..

PRESIDENT: Where did you get that information from?

AGAMA:   You hear families naming their newborn children “Goodluck Ebele.`

PRESIDENT: (smiles) You are just telling me that now“¦

AGAMA: Yes, Your Excellence. From Nigeria to Kenya, Namibia, down to Somalia. So it it not strange to hear of names like Usman Goodluck Ebele Mohammed, Or Ebele Njorege Goodluck Nwangi.

PRESIDENT: Ha-ha (long laughter).

AGAMA: Honestly speaking. In fact, your names have overtaken “Mandela“ as the most sought names in Africa because some of the parents believe “Mandela“ names will only bring respect while yours come with power, respect and riches.

PRESIDENT: (laughter) You are such a funny fellow. Maybe you may have to think of changing your names too to mine.

AGAMA: To “Agama Ebele Goodluck?“ I am in the process, Your Excellency.

AGAMA: Back to the allegations in the media that certain political forces are using Boko Haram to ferment fear and create a climate of  insecurity and thereby putting you in a negative spot amongst Nigerians and the international community. Some believe that the objective is also to discourage you from contesting in 2015; or if you insist on contesting, to convince the electorate that you are incapable of  providing security for them. How can you react to that?

PRESIDENT: I`ve never told anyone I wanted to context come 2015. Have I?

AGAMA: Judging from the mood of many Nigerians and the international community, and their attitude toward Boko Haram, it might not be wrong to predict that the abduction of the Chibok girls could as well be the beginning ““ albeit sadly ““ of your political  reinvigoration.  Ironically, your political nemesis Boko Haram, and for that, the latest abduction, might have handed you your political victory because it seems the international communities are now fully determined to eradicate Boko Haram in the Nigerian soil.

PRESIDENT: Was that a question or a statement?

AGAMA: That would be a statement, Your Excellency.


AGAMA: Would that be another political bingo attributed to your two names : Goodluck and Ebele (Mercy)?

PRESIDENT: I don`t play lottery games.   I rather read your humorous Kata Kata Magazine. By the way, you are doing a great job. Keep it up.

AGAMA: Thank you Your Excellency. We wish you much luck and strength, especially in your attempt to transform Nigeria for good. Thank you, Mr President for the rare interview.

PRESIDENT: My pleasure.







 The above story is a parody. It is entirely fictitious; therefore none of the characters mentioned in the story are real