EU $2 Billion Migration Fund: Manna from Heaven For Africans?

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There is nothing so shameful like being caught with your pant down. Really? Well, perhaps our brothers and sisters in the Money for hand back for ground industry (or “profession“as it is respectfully called in the Netherlands) might not necessarily agree with me. Anyway, disagreement is part of democracy ““ the life-saving tonic our western lords want us to imbibe in order to become politically and socially healthy. Let`s leave democracy alone for now for the West and think like Africans. Interestingly, while we celebrate the recent $2 billion migration fund from the West, it is indeed, nice to hear what others ““ especially, African leaders – think about the bonanza.

During the most recent meeting of African leaders held last weekend at the Kata Kata Village Square, many African leaders clearly revealed their stands on the fund. With a microphone secretly planted under the baobab tree by our reporter, we can authoritatively tell you that the EU $2 billion migration has suddenly metamorphosed from a developmental fund to the manna from heaven. You doubt that? Please read below:

MAHAMADOU ISSOUFOU: “The trust fund is not enough, 1.8 billion euros is far from enough,”
CHIEF: Hey!!! Why you think dat big money small? Your eye don have scale? So because your country Niger, get migration en drought problem, you think dat “¦.. Wait! Where Agama? Is dat money de White Muzungu people give us, Zimbabwe dollar or Euro?
AGAMA: Pure original Euro!!
CHIEF: Euro!! En Mahamadou think dat one small? Me, If I get half of dat here in Kata Kata village, me, I make sure our village look better than Queen Elisa country. Haba!
PICCOLO: Yea, we usually hear the same damn promises from our bloody leaders. Wait till you grab the damn money, you load your bedroom with more wives arsenal“¦
CHIEF (angry): Which arsenal? Who tell you I play football inside bedroom? You see me with any globe or stockings? Who referee de match? Or you have hydraulic acid inside your brain? Whot concern you with my wives?
AGAMA: Order! President Macky Sall wants to talk. .
MACKY SALL: What we want is not just official development assistance in this form, but reform of global governance. World trade must be fair. There must be more investment in Africa. Official development assistance is good, but it’s not sufficient. Here in Senegal and many African countries, multinational firms illegally connive with corrupt leaders to avoid tax payment and criminally siphon much money abroad. We waste money through the illegal practice. If the West would be honest and solve the problems, we basically might not need their $2 billion fund
CHIEF: God bless you Oga Macky. You talk well
USENI: Me, I don understand! Is dat money not free? Person hungry en he get free money en he reject dat en you say he talk good. Dat one good? Our rioting stomach must eat first before“¦.
PICCOLO: A point of correction. That money is not a bonanza. It is meant as an investment in education, infrastructure, health, etc, which will create jobs and stop swarms of immigrants going to Europe
CHIEF: Haba! Before, we stay here in Kata Kata village, White people come en force us to go to dem and work as slave. People who don` wan go, dey kill dem. Now our people wan go to Europe en work en come back, dey start shout like mad cow en say dey don`wan us. Me, I don`understand dat.
PICCOLO: You gotta point there dude! In any case, he who pays the piper calls the tune. The EU wants the fund to be invested in the economy ““ not inside our leaders` pockets
KITUMBA: We know. We get the money first. But what type of democracy is that one? You give someone a gift, you tell him how to use it. If you go and marry, your in law tells you how to use your wife?
GUESTS: Hahaaaaa!
UDONKA: This is not the time to fight. We have a common interest. We must keep our personal interests apart, and go after our common interest. Remember USA and many Muzungu foreign policy: “No permanent friend or enemy; only permanent interest.“
KITUMBA: How we share the money? I suggest we share it according to population or problems in one`s country. For example, as the President of Mutungo, my country has many problems like“¦..
AGAMA: Tell me who doesn`t have a problem? How do you define a problem?
SMUGGLER: Wait, you talk about “country“ and “country.“ How about us? On behalf of our association, we want 30% of the whole $2 billion, otherwise we flood Europe with economic refugees.
UDONKA: 30 what?
SMUGGLAR: Percent!
CHIEF: Banange! Dat one too much“¦“¦
SMUGGLAR: Too much? You know the risks we take? Days on the troublesome sea? You know how many times Europen governments want jail us? You know how often we fight pirates and terrorists? You just stay there with your big tummy and collect billions without sweat
KITUMBA (angry): You drink expired whisky? Which one is without sweat? It is not easy to take care of government money. You must have good brain otherwise you end up in jail.
UDONKA: You want 30%? What of the millions you collect from those immigrants you cross to Europe? You first bring and share their money with us before we“¦.
SMUGGLAR: The same way you share the billions you steal from the government?
UDONKA (angry): Steal? Who you call thief? I look like a thief?
CHIEF: Order! Eeee! When I hear dis “billion – billion,“ me ask myself whether billion quarrel with Kata Kata village. Since I become Chief here, me, I never see hundred dollar talk less..“¦..
PICCOLO: Seems you are in a wrong planet, dude.
UDONKA: Gaya!! $2 billion!
RETIRING PRESIDENT: What is our share? We retiring Presidents association needs something to keep body and soul together after we left the office. It is not enough to praise us for respecting the constitution and imbibing democracy. We would not eat democracy after retirement. We need our share of the Manna. Otherwise, me, I am not handing over power. Don`t forget the power of incumbency! The police, army and government are still under me.
KITUMBA: We will do you well.
CHIEF: But you stay 29 year in power. Dat one not enough?
UDONKA: Chief has a point. Is 29 years in power not enough for you to have acquired enough manna? You give us our opportunity to“¦..
RETIRING PRESIDENT: You hear him? You never hear about life president? Or you think that one doesn`t fit me? Don`t annoy me now“¦.
USENI: Me, I don understand!
KITUMBA: My people, why are we stupid? If Oyibo Muzungu White man calls you and starts giving you money, without you asking for it, they are in trouble. They need your help.
CHIEF: You talk true!
KITUMBA: So therefore, immediately muzungu called and wanted to give us billion, I knew they needed our help. We must use our brain..
KITUMBA: We must pretend we don`t want the money! Haba! We must behave like a typical African lady. They bring the money, we pretend and look another way; then they come close and look at our faces and beg us to accept the money. Then we ask for more money!
GUESTS: Ahaa!!
UDONKA: Good idea!!
KITUMBA: We want more money! They need our help. We are like a boil on the testicles, if you leave it, it grows dangerous and damages the testicles, if you try to remove it, you might break the testicles.
REPORTER: (switches off microphone)

More immigrants in Europe! More money for Africa leaders! Deal? Difficult deal, perhaps. European leaders are faced with hard realities – they either accept African immigrants, integrate them into their labour market and use their manpower to develop European economies like the USA, Canada and other countries ““ and most recently Germany – do at the risk of instigating xenophobic fears and perhaps, losing elections to the far right parties. However, the Western leaders stand to reap the economic cum political benefits later once the economy improves. Alternatively, the West may decide to keep the immigrants at bay in Africa and rather send billions to the continent to help develop the economies and create jobs, and thereby discouraging African immigrants from going to Europe to look for an economic opportunity. But Western leaders must be ready to satisfy the insatiable greeds of some opportunists who are prepared to benefit enormously from the immigration manna. This is a dare dilemma European leaders face, which they hardly voice out openly.


The above story is a parody. It is entirely fictitious; therefore none of the characters mentioned in the story are real.