Humor Factory: “Eeee! Not Even Poverty Save Me From Criminals” – Useni

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Useni has always believed that kidnapping, armed robbery hostage-taking, ransom demands, and other social problems are exclusive headaches of the rich; not until Agama convinced him otherwise. “You can’ look for money inside house of a man who no get cent.” Useni once told Agama. The dialogue continues:

AGAMA: I am not sure I understand what you mean

USENI: You see, sometimes, me, I happy I poor…

AGAMA: You are happy you are poor? Has you brain engine gone to Aleppo to fight ISS? Why should anyone be happy being poor? Anyway, I don’t blame you. You have big problems because you are suffering from poverty meningococcus

USENI: Which one is coconut or cococus again? Me, problem? How I get problem when I never know how rich – rich or money taste? Only rich people, who have or see en touch money know how bad it feel when you don’ have money.

AGAMA: I don’t understand your explanation or poverty analysis

USENI: You don’ understand dis common simple English? If I talk about beer or woman now, your moustache will raise like sun-flower en your brain engine alert like al shabaab bomb.

AGAMA: Don’t worry, just wait till al shabaab hear you, I guess you will be happy to learn from them that they don’t discriminate

USENI: Whot concern poor man like me with money headache? If you never see money before, how you know how bad it is for rich man to become suddenly poor? As a poor man, I don’ worry to build big villa or whether I get de best car at Kata Kata Village. Dat one is rich man headache. I am in poverty school; no leave, no transfer.

AGAMA:  No leave, no transfer, indeed! Since when have you become a philosopher, Useni? Your arguments make me start thinking deeply

USENI: Oh, so not only beer en woman make you think deep?

AGAMA:  (angry) Useni, let the sleeping beer lie!

USENI: Anyway, some people think poor people suffer always. Dat one not true!

AGAMA: How do you mean?

USENI: I am happy I poor. Why because, me, I don’t have headache dat for example, thief will come en disturb me for night. I don’ fear kidnapper. What will kidnapper do with my useless dry- fish body? Hahaha. Who will give dem ransom money if dey kidnap my dead body? Haha! Eeee, Useni, even poor man have more freedom en less headache dan rich man. Hahahaha…..

AGAMA:  You say nobody steals from you because you are poor?

USENI: Total!  Hahaha! You know anybody who steal from poor? What will dey steal? You only steal something if there is something to steal. Or you call dat one philosophyment again?

AGAMA:  Have you ever heard about the modern priests?

USENI: (Looks at Agama steadily like an artist’s impression. Faints)

AGAMA: After using a fan unsuccessfully to reanimate Useni, Agama has just called an ambulance team for assistance. , Their attempts are in fact, fruitless, so they have equally contacted the fire brigade for help, insisting, however, they come with one tanker of cold water.