Ndauga Competes with Chaaba in Secret Swiss Bank Deals

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It is not an uncommon occurrence for many Ndansuga to stockpile matoke (unripe green plantain) at home for the rainy day, but stashing more than Shs400 billion (almost $ 162 million) in Swiss banks has systematically re-defined the identity of this modest East African country and raised many unanswered questions about its government`s anti- corruption crusade.

According to the Claims Settlement International for Bank, which made the monetary revelation, the identity of the individuals or organisations who deposited the said amount is not revealed, nor does the figure reflect money deposited in nominee accounts, which are usually held in the third ““ party names. Obviously, if the accounts in various foreign branches of Swiss banks would be taken into consideration as well, the amount would clearly be higher than the above quoted figure.

Neither the Bank of Ndauga nor the information minister Ryma Orokaro Rutoku has so far commented on the Shs400 billion deposit, because they needed “more time to study the information.“ Many Ndansuga, most of them, who are struggling to make ends meet especially in the present critical economic strangulation, were indeed shocked by the revelation.

“I cannot believe this is happening in Ndauga where many of us are living below the poverty level. That amount is more than enough to send many kids up to the university level. Those kids would contribute to the economy after their studies.“ One Debora Mukasi told Kata kata`s reporter.

With a strong banking secrecy reputation, Swiss banks have attracted many corrupt minds as the haven for their ill-gotten money, making many African officials their biggest customers. However, recent reforms in the country`s banking industry have made it easier for the repatriation of the ill-gotten money to the countries of origin. It is therefore these current reforms that have opened the door for discussions between Yptianeg government officials and the Swiss banks aimed at returning billions of dollars believed to have been stashed in the Swiss accounts by deposed Yptianeg president Nihos Rakmuba. This same kind of negotiation had equally resulted in the repatriation of more than $1.2 billion of Riannige ex president Chaaba`s stolen money to the Rianige government.

While many consider Chaaba`s wealth as systematically stolen from the Rianige`s coffer, this perception does not stop his family from guiding their African Money Laundering Medal (AMLM) award enviously. The family has reacted uncomfortably to the Shs400 billion scandals.

“My dad`s aim was to keep this African Money Laundering Record (AMLR) for at least a century. What do they have in Ndauga to have made them try to compete with my dad or even erase his legacy, which we have guarded judiciously?.” One of the sons of the Riannige ex president questioned jealously. His anger was controlled, however, when he was reminded that the amount in question belongs to different individuals from Ndauga.

“That is good news then. My father`s legacy is still intact.“ He responded satisfactorily.
While the Ndansuga beneficiaries of the deposited Shs400 billion were completely rattled by exposure of the Claims Settlement International for Bank, their Riannige counterparts are not losing sleep over the exposure.

“Why are you shivering like a child suffering from malaria just because some overzealous banks announced that some Shs400 billion is deposited in their accounts? This is a chicken feed compared to the billions of dollars individuals from other countries stash monthly in the foreign account.“ Did we force the Swiss government to keep the money for us? Do you know how much their government has benefited from our money? It takes a thief to catch a thief.“ Kata Kata`s correspondent overheard one Riannige official, a dean of the studies, talking to his worried Ndanuga friend, who paid him a visit to discuss the best strategy to help him tackle the Swiss bank debacle. The dean went further to rebuke his East African guest:

“What still baffles me is how you put your eggs in one basket. This is contrary to what you had learnt from the school here.“

Being well known for rampant corruption, Rianige lived up to its reputation by having the “best and most acclaimed“ schools in stealing technology. Foreign “students“ across the globe attend the schools to learn the act of stealing by trick. As one of the deans of this art of corruption schools, the Riannige official warned his Ndanuga guest that he would be sanctioned if his action results in a negative perception of the elite schools.

“We make it our duty to train our students in a highly sophisticated way ever. That includes watertight money laundering. It becomes increasingly a cause for immediate concern when a graduate of this noble school acts in a very amateur way. Were you not taught at the school never to put your tentacles in one place?“ The dean questioned his former Ndanuga student. “What was the first and most important slogan you were taught at the school?“ the dean queried further.

“Spread your corns all over the field and catch less attention.“ The Ndanuga former student, who is now an influential figure in his government, responded childishly.

“At least you still remember this very important modus operandus, but then I wonder what made you put your eggs in one basket in Switzerland“ The Riannige dean responded with a dry smile.

But not every other senior members of the school are smiling. One radical professor of the school recently recommended that the school must confiscate the “respectable certificate“ of any former student whose acts undermine the “high reputation of the noble school“ or put the name of the “elite school“ into shame. “That holds that we must tighten our admission requirements.“ The radical professor advised.

The professor is not alone in calling for a strict admission policy. Other Thief – Bribery schools in Rianige, amongst them Chaaba School of Laundering Technology, are equally advocating for strict admission and certificate awarding criteria to make sure the degrees are awarded to those who could defend them “with honour.“ Worse still, the Chaaba school has even gone to the extent of insisting that its prospective candidates must swear their dutiful alliance to the school, just like the Sicilian mafia family in Italy do, before they can be admitted into the school.

“Our family and school names are of importance to us. We`ll do all it takes to prevent them from being tarnished because we don`t want those who will bring dishonour to our honourable school and family.“ The Chaaba`s family`s spokesperson told our reporter.

With the recent admission bar raised high by many Riannige elite Thief – Bribery schools, there is enormous pressure on many Ndanuga officials to pass through the Riannige schools with a flying colour. The success of these Ndanuga officials at these schools can only lead to “efficiency“ in Money laundering Technology (MLT), which in itself will be a harbinger of doomsday ahead for the average poor Ndanuga, who is presently complaining of the Shs400 billion scandals.

The above story is a parody. It is entirely fictitious; therefore none of the characters mentioned in the story are real