Nkandla Scandal: Invulnerable Zuma turned to Endangered Species

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A recent report by South Africa’s police minister Nkosinathi Nhleko, on the upgrades of President Jacob Zuma`s Nkandla home, has effectively metamorphosed the flamboyant, insusceptible President of South Africa, to a mere helpless endangered species, that urgently needs immediate attention and protection.

Nkosinathi Nhleko`s investigation concluded that the President needs, in fact, not to pay back part of the R246m ($328,000; £215,000) spent on taxpayer funded security upgrades of the home. The Nhleko`s report is clearly a contradiction of that of the Public Protector Thuli Madonsela, which found that Mr President had to pay back a portion of the upgrades. Mr Zuma had previously insisted confidently that he would refund part of the money for the upgrades, which he claimed he did not request for, only if the Nkosinathi Nhleko`s report found him guilty. Interestingly, the Police minister`s inquiry did not only find President Zuma innocent, it equally warned that Zuma breed is in fact endangered and must be protected ““ at all cost.

At all cost? Oh yes! Affirmatively!! So those who might be wondering how the swimming pool, the new cattle kraal, culvert, chicken coop and the amphitheatre at President Zuma`s Nkandla home would enhance his personal security, hold your breath and first listen to honourable Nkosinathi Nhleko`s detailed explanation.

“First of all, let me correct or clarify one thing for the record purposes. There is no swimming pool at President Zuma`s Nkandla home; it is the “firepool.” Police minister Nkosinathi Nhleko corrected Kata Kata reporter and added that the upgraded amenities are sine qua non for President Zuma`s safety

” The pool“¦ I mean, the “firepool“ is specially made to help douse a fire.“ Nkosinathi Nhleko went further, blinking rapidly and avoiding eye contacts with the reporter – like a child who has just caught the mother naked.

Convinced of the futility in trying to make the police minister change his position on security upgrades, our reporter asked him why such a security measure should not be applied to other poor neigbourhoods in the country. For example, the same kind of “firepool“ could be built in these poor areas, to enable them douse a fire, our reporter suggested. Nkosinathi Nhleko struggled to explain and suddenly stopped as if he had just lost his words. He managed to add:

“You could call the pool at the Nkandla home, a community firepool because it serves the community in case of fire outbreaks.“

That sounded reasonably fair to Kata kata reporter. Logically, would other members of the community equally swim in this President Zuma`s “community firepool“ which, according to the minister, acts as a swimming pool as well? Nkosinathi Nhleko managed a dry smile. “Why not?“ He added.

Clearly, the honourable police minister could not understand why some people were not smart enough to follow his easy, straightforward and “convincing“ explanations. It did not help when he was asked to throw more light on his clarification that President Zuma`s “amphitheatre” is purposely built as an emergency assembly unit for the family and homestead dwellers. Nhleko went further to explain that there would be a kind of the Ten Commandment Nkandla law hanging on the wall of the building, which emphatically forbids these family and homestead dwellers from sitting down inside the theatre. Before our reporter could ask more question, he quickly added that there would not be any film shown in the ampitheatre. In any case, if there is, he went on, the eyes and ears of the occupants will be forcefully and effectively closed with a chewing gum. Nkosinathi Nhleko showed the reporters a heap of chewed chewing gum he was holding in his hand ““ perhaps to send his message across.

What of the cattle kraal and chicken coop? Our reporter was meant to understand that first of all, those animals are South African animals so they must not be exposed to xenophobic danger. Hence their Nkandla new “home.“ Furthermore, living in a new democratic Rainbow country, the animals are entitled to the same rights as new South Africans. No more apartheid policies, we were told. Could you now understand why the lives of those cattle and chicken must be upgraded equally? However, to avoid unintended alarm, our reporter was cautioned, the animals must be kept in a new enclosure with a separate entrance, afar off the motion sensor and the central security zone. So that explains the upgrades. Nkosinathi Nhleko rigorously narrated, wiping off awesome bubbles of sweat from his bald head.

Aha! All animals are equal, but some can be more equal than others. After hearing the honourable minister`s report, our reporter only wished her cattle, chicken, goats were born in South Africa. Or better still, at Nkandla home.

You may as well forget about the report of the independent inquiry, which concluded that President Jacob Zuma had “unduly benefited” from the upgrades of his Nkandla home and as such, he must pay back part of the costs. After all, Mr. Zuma had stubbornly insisted that he would only pay back the money if the report of his police minister Nkosinathi Nhleko, a Zuma appointee, ordered him to do so.

Now that the honourable police minister Nkosinathi Nhleko, has made his report known to the world, and even suggested that President Zuma in fact needs more security features and upgrades in his Nkandla home, who else is unrepentant or has the guts to challenge or accuse the highly endangered President Jacob Zuma of any wrongdoing?



The above story is a parody. It is entirely fictitious; therefore none of the characters mentioned in the story are real