South Africa: Deputy President Ramaphosa Turns into Flavoured Condom Vendor in the Parliament

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For those who have little or no knowledge of the South African (condom) politics or jargon, you might get startled when a seemingly unimportant issue is generally magnified or elevated to a national discourse by politicians ““ for maximum effects. Not even President Zuma’s “harmless“ ““ albeit research triggered statement ““ about the “shower effects,“ and Zapiro’s shower cap response, became a less important national rhetoric. It is, therefore, not very strange to see the deputy President Cyril Ramaphosa act as a highly experienced condom vendor in the parliament. For those who are expecting Oga Ramaphosa and his ANC cadres to start mourning their recent election losses or singing election Nunc dimittis song, you better think twice. Instead, Mr Ramaphosa had managed, craftily indeed, to display his marketing acumen ““ especially in the area of discourse that seems to matter so much to some of the country’s politicians.

In his response to the passionate requests by many MPs and the electorate as well, who complained that the present condoms they use, which they claimed did not smell good, usually “makes noise“ during the act of sex, deputy President Cyril Ramaphosa hardly disappointed. Like a zealot scientist who constantly modifies their experiment, based on the previous results, for a better outcome, Oga Ramaphosa bombarded the parliament with multi ““ coloured, flavoured, noise ““ free condoms, which he lauded and claimed are specifically designed “for maximum enjoyment.“

Noise ““ free?“ Wait a minute! You don’t wear a microphone during the act, do you? Even though we are told that thinking is good for one’s brain, I bet you, I can assure you I don’t want to think and disturb myself with those intimidating images at this point. No way!! In south Africa where politicians, especially those from the ruling party, have tried different political strategies to hook the gullible and vulnerable masses, it is not clear to our reporter whether the present condom vendor manship or endorsement is another political scheme used by the ANC ruling party to get back their lost political sheep who abandoned them in the recent polls in favour of the opposition parties.

“Now, through scientific development, we were able to develop a new condom, which is called Max. The Max is for maximum pleasure, protection, and it does not make noise at all.” Ramaphosa explained.

Definitely, as a shrewd businessman, Ramaphosa, knows the importance of the art of persuasion in sales and marketing of a product; clearly, to him, the ultimate power of believability of the marketer, cannot be underestimated. Hence it was therefore not coincidental to hear him emphasise with some degrees of conviction that the present flavoured condoms met the expectations of the MPs:

“If you want a grape flavour, here it is. If you want an apple flavour, you can get an apple flavour.”

The deputy president lauded the new condoms, even though he refused to tell our reporter whether he had tried them himself before he came to the conclusion that they met the requirement of ” noise – free, maximum pleasure, protection, and it does not make noise at all,”

For someone who strongly believes in the alternative prevention of the AIDS virus through shower, it was not clear at the time of going to the press whether President Jacob Zuma gave his blessing to the latest Max condoms, which were introduced in June, aimed at increasing prevention of AIDS, in the country, where the AIDS epidemic has dealt a devastating blow to the social cum economic lives of the citizens.

Having made many promises ““ most of them unfulfilled ““ resulting in the election losses of many supporters to the opposition, it is not clear whether ANC, like a drowning man, is using all means available ““ including the condom politics – to bring back its lost souls. Or is the latest simply yet another misplaced priority, while many South Africans are more than contempt with even noise making condoms, as far as they protect them from the deadly AIDS virus, and a plate of food is on their table daily? Are African masses not modest enough!

Regardless, if all fails in South Africa, at least, many still have the appetite for jokes and humour; and the ANC is good at supplying them abundantly. If that would help and resurrect the sinking party, so be it. Politics, after all, is a game of trial and error.




The above story is a parody. It is entirely fictitious; therefore none of the characters mentioned in the story is real.