Zimbabwean Chiefs Demand Share Of The National Cake From President Mugabe

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Contrary to the see no evil, hear no evil relationship between President Mugabe and chiefs in Zimbabwe, the latter had recently given the president an ultimatum to share the national cake with them or forget their support.

In a clearly audacious move, the chiefs had earlier warned that they would boycott their annual conference, if their demands, amongst others, free farms, brand new cars and salary increments are unconditionally not met. Interestingly, the chiefs, who often consider themselves as local Members of Parliament (MPs) or the equivalent, to say the least, had been staunch Mugabe supporters, until recently when they frowned at what they consider disrespectful and unfair treatment in the hands of the Mugabe administration. The government, the chiefs claim, is less generous to them than to the MPs when it comes to “sharing the national cake.“ Furthermore, the chiefs alleged that the Mugabe government lavishly pamper   the MPs with the “national goodies.“ Clearly, president Robert Mugabe, who once described the chiefs as the “paragons of virtue,” is not taking the demand and threats from the chiefs lightly. Nor is the 90 year old President happy about the latest development ““ especially now that rumours are circulating that the president is seriously considering dragging his wife Grace, deeply into politics to safeguard his family interests as well as disorganize ambitious senior party members who are pugnaciously fighting the succession battle.

“Farms, we know how to get; salary increments are no big deals. Brand new cars? Why cannot they make do with the fairly second hand cars from our friends in South Africa? Clearly, those traditional doozers have recently grown wings and become unbecoming. The wings must be nipped, otherwise you would soon hear that they equally want Grace.“ The president fumed privately.

Grace? A good knowledge of idiom and semantics jargons is definitely tantamount to understanding President Robert Gabriel Mugabe`s world; a nonagenarian who is fond of mesmerizing his listeners with his thought – provoking English. Regardless, many wonder whether the chiefs are in fact in the mood for Mugabe`s linguistics wizardry. Nor do the chiefs seem to care recently about President Mugabe`s vernacular prowess – and definitely   not his seven degrees, two of them received while in prison. Momentarily, the local leaders are more or less interested in the equal share of the national cake. Equal? You haven`t read George Orwell`s Animal Farm, have you?

“All animals are equal, but some animals are more equal than others.“

Some have argued that President Mugabe is not a greedy man who would not generously cater for the demands of the chiefs, which equally include a government exemption from paying the tollgate fees, according to Kata Kata`s   impeccable source. Suffice it to say that Mugabe probably did not, initially take the threats of the chiefs seriously, however the knowledge of his government that the chiefs have suddenly entered into an unholy romance with P Square group has definitely made the administration uncomfortable. You probably might think the old chiefs have no business, dining with those young P Square twin boys, however these leaders surely love and memorized the musicians` lyrics:

If you do me, I do you, (man no go vex)
Step on the conference floor (man no go vex)
Touch me, I touch you (man no go vex)
You share national cake, I share (man no go vex)
If you eat national cake, I eat (man no go vex)
Step on the conference floor (man no go vex)
So won’t you give it to me (I will give it to you)
So make you give it to me some more (some more)
Na the way you eat dat cake without me
So you can give it to me some more

You hear that? You see those old chiefs with their ears swallowed by the microphones; trousers down, exposing their coloured underwears. This is serious oh!

“If you do me, I do you, (man no go vex)“

“You probably might think hip hop only interests the youths, however, if we have to deviate from the norms to get what we want, so be it. We want an audience with the President before the conference?“ One of the chiefs, who pleaded anonymity intimated Kata Kata`s reporter.

Sensing danger and determination on the part of the chiefs to have their demands met, President Mugabe urgently dispatched on Monday, President of the Chief’s Council, Fortune Charumbira to quickly organize   an emergency crisis meeting with the aggravated chiefs. During the meeting, which was equally attended by   Local Government Minister, Ignatius Chombo, the chiefs presented their grievances to Mr Chombo who, vowed to relay their demands to the President.
“The issues of whether or not the chiefs are entitled to permanent remuneration or allowance increment will be sorted out at the conference. Yes, since 2011, the chief’s allowances have not been increased from the office of the Minister of Finance but it has always been the President that has the final say. I do not know meanwhile, how the President will handle your issues, but he will certainly use his wisdom to help you out, nevertheless. One thing I know for sure, the government is making plans to ensure that you receive cars on a seven year loan scheme in which a percentage of your allowances will be deducted towards the purchase of the cars to enable you execute your responsibilities more efficiently.“ Mr Chombo assured the chiefs, who   remain in the office   till death – unlike the MPs who serve only for five years.

Meanwhile, many MPs see the situation differently. Some of the lawmakers are mad at the demands of the chiefs, who receive currently a monthly allowance of US$300, as opposed to their demand of an allowance increment of up to US$800 per month. Worse still, many of the MPs consider the chiefs allergic to democracy, anyway.

“You just stay at your posts like Msasa tree till you die, yet you want the government to spend all the taxpayers` money on you till you die. You don’t even want to pay a common road tax. We have a short five year life span in office, hence we need the national cake faster – and bigger. Why are you chiefs in a hurry? You have all the time till you die.   Fumed one MP from the Tsholotsho district.

Even though the demands by the chiefs, if met, could lead to unbearable fiscus pressure, President Mugabe had chosen nevertheless,   not to admit this openly. He had, instead, decided to tell the cronies what they wanted to hear as well as play his favourite card:

“We say no to whites owning our land and they should go. Don’t be too kind to white farmers. The land is yours, not theirs. Don`t they (whites) know where their ancestors came from? The British who are here should all go back to England. What is the problem? We now have airplanes, which can take them back quicker than the ships used by their ancestors.“   Mr Mugabe said in his usual combatant mood during a rally in Mashonaland West province, a stronghold of Zanu-PF. The crowd applauded.

“The land ““ and the national cake – belong to us. We know where our ancestors came from. Why are we not part of the national cake?“ One of the chiefs chipped in sarcastically, without looking at Kata Kata`s reporter.

From chiefs, down to the war veterans who want diamond mining concessions and parliamentary seats, the Zimbabwean politics is full of crafty crony interest groups, who are the party`s core supporters and strength. Soon the ZANU-PF government   of President Robert Gabriel Mugabe will realize that it cannot easily ignore the insatiable demands and wishes of these groups, who are well trained in the art of nepotism and suffering from You eat, I eat syndrome.

Na the way you eat dat cake without me
So you can give it to me some more“¦.

Often when one has trained a lion to kill, the beast goes after the trainer, when there is nothing else to eat.
You still hear   the chiefs singing, don`t you?

The above story is a parody. It is entirely fictitious; therefore none of the characters mentioned in the story are real.